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BEWARE OF FRAGILE TIMELINES AND BORED GODS.
Multiverse-hopping tardigrades, salesmen in love, and the 70s soft rock hits.
A legendary salesman of alternate reality timeshares has to close one last deal, but his vengeful boss assigns him an impossible customer, the world is about to explode, and the woman he loves thinks he’s an idiot.
Lloyd Heller sells luxury vacations in alternate timelines. If he can close one last sale in the next 24 hours, he gets his own vacation package, the best of them all, a real career topper: the platinum-level vacation package of his dreams.
Too bad the secret science Heller uses to jump timelines is just whacky magic dreamed up by a bored deity. Heller doesn’t know it, but his company, his product—his entire career—is a divine prank. When all the tech explodes in a speed yoga accident, the whole shebang goes into ground-hog mode. The strain on reality threatens to turn Heller and the rest of the known galaxy into a scorched field of low-grade aquarium gravel if somebody doesn’t fix it, pronto.
Actually racing against time, Heller does everything in his power to stop the ground-hogging, reset reality, save the world, score that platinum vacation package, and maybe, against all odds, fall in love.
(Please note: this novel includes sentient phones, recursive reality T.V., vacuum-induced full-body fart scenes, transgressive blasphemy, spider dogs, naked old people, endless cthulian dread, and 70s soft rock hits.)
Buy The Platinum-Level Transluminal Vacation Package of Your Dreams
The funniest, most original comic novel I’ve read in years. The storylines weave and swirl around each other like seven circuses, all under the same Big Top, and you reckon it’s the dancing bear on the high wire that you’ve got to keep an eye on, but you forgot about the human cannonball. Then there’s the language. No doubt about it, Bull Garlington is a master of pretzel linguistics. It’s nigh on impossible to turn a page without lighting on a word or phrase that the author didn’t like the shape of, and so he twisted it into something entirely new and unexpected and perfect.
Garlington's style reminds me slightly of Terry Pratchett. He's irreverent, slightly surreal and clearly doesn't take himself too seriously, like many other authors can do. The book is filled with witty commentary, addendums and notes from Garlington, and wry jokes about the life we live. I may have laughed. A lot.
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