What is Joe Biden doing to secure our northern borders? Even as you read these words, 500,000 murderous Canadian syrup mules are knee-deep in the Detroit River, smuggling pure Amber Sticky hidden in condoms in their duodenum.
50,000 Mildly Humorous Canadians in Hollywood are Hiding in Plain Site!
Do you like Ryan Reynolds? How about Seth Rogan? Ever hear of a guy named James Carrey? You know who was a Canadian his entire career? Matthew Perry. Chandler was a full-blooded Canadian. Still sad he’s gone?
Are your children safe? Are you? How do you know?
More than half of my neighborhood’s signs were translated into High Canadian. I can barely read them! What does Helen’s Nail Salon and Spa even mean? I tried calling them to suss out their accent, but you know what? If you live in the Midwest, you can’t even hear a Canadian accent. NO ONE CAN! THAT’S HOW YOU KNOW THEY’RE CANADIAN!
Watch your children closely. Monitor which chat rooms they’re in. Look for the signs of what Doctors are referring to as Canadian Cultural Creep.
- They ask for pure Maple syrup on their pancakes.
- They make fun of your bacon.
- Look for personality changes: are they suddenly polite? Are they speaking in complete sentences? Are they making you laugh?
- Changes at school—notes home using words like positive, helpful, and wholesome
- Flannel
Canadians are taking our comedy jobs from good American comics who rightly deserve them!
You think Ryan Reynolds was the first choice for Deadpool? Are you insane? It was Jensen Ackles, a Texan! How much more American can you be? He trained for months to develop a sense of humor. He worked night and day with humor coaches and good, solid American comics like Dave Foley and Will Arnett. They didn’t sleep for days. But no, the Canadian Hollywood Mafia lifted a single ironic eyebrow and Ackles is suddenly all over the press saying how happy he is doing Supernatural. Not a WORD about almost being in Deadpool. And Reynolds? Never even says his name.
The Canadian border is unsecure because liberals watch their movies!
Every SINGLE dollar from the John Wick franchise goes to the Canadian Association for Hollywood Actors from Canada Acting in Hollywood (CAHACAH)! Because Keanu Reeves is from Toronto. More than 30% of the revenue from Shrek is smuggled over the border to fund secret underground railroads bringing Canadians into Hollywood by the THOUSANDS.
How to protect yourself from rampaging Canadians
- Keep flannel in your car
- Carry a small bottle of pure maple syrup on you at all times
- Learn to quip
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